Friday, June 29, 2018

 The Conan I know

Conan
Stone cold killer

He comes across as a mild
mannered Librarian.
Is in fact the nats most
feared enforcer .
Any Unionist problems
they call for Conan.
here is a transcript of a 
secretly taped conversation
between Conan and his boss
(who suspected the hidden wire)

















Conan- You're always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece. Apparently the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together.
Nicola_ Would someone mind telling me, who are you?  
Conan-And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it's no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it?  The best thing to do is feed them to my dugs. You got to starve the dugs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the duggys' digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don't want to go sievin' through dug shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least six dugs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps dugs They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single dug can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, "as greedy as Conans dugs".
Nicola- Well, thank you for that. That's a great weight off me mind. Now, if you wouldn't mind telling me who the fuck you are, apart from someone who feeds people to pigs of course?


conan with his favorite weapon
in his favorite magazine







Conans man eating dugs




Niko-You'd be Conan out of Edinburgh Killer of women and children.

:Conan -That's right. I've killed women and children. I've killed just about everything that walks or crawled at one time or another. And I'm here to kill you, Niko , for what you said about the snp .
Luckily due to a misfire whilst Conan fiddled with his cannon I made my escape
through the privvy and legged it 




back to my hovel.. where I stay hidden away ha fecking ha Conan


  .

205 comments:

  1. Baron Darling of Snootery-NookJuly 1, 2018 at 12:12 PM

    David said to go to Ballantrae but Mum wanted to go to Arbroath. It's Phemue's car so nobody knows.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I've upgraded since then.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QHbqHx3TLBE

    ReplyDelete
  3. They were all there, Nikos.

    Lorna Vunt sang a song she made up for Tommy and Ellie's anniversary.

    Angelique Prebender presented them with a painting she did based on that (yes that!!) photo.

    Armjet Puffregard donated a floral sculpture of the Menses.

    Fabulous occasion

    ReplyDelete
  4. And I stroked my nipple with a strawberry ripple.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Jimmy and Angie are thinking of going to Rome on holiday. Or Malaga.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope they stay there. Pair of shits.

      Delete
    2. Nikostratos Glesga JimmyOctober 5, 2018 at 4:04 PM

      I hate them too. She needs to close her legs cause there's a draught in here! And he spews out more shite than a dog on speed. Pair of twats.

      Delete
  6. Jan McWee (British)October 7, 2018 at 8:54 PM

    I'm going to be a wee bit controversial here. I couldn't stand Nelson Mandela.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I can't stand you. Jan NcWee seeing all over the place like a leaky tap.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I think I've been touched by the furry finger.

    ReplyDelete
  9. When my sister in law was in school she always dreamed of visiting Las Vegas.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I njoy sending myself anonymous postcards accusing me of unspeakable acts, but sometimes the accusations can be rather hurtful.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hello, one and all. Is this Face Book? I bought an rail ticket for a journey between Nottingham and St Austell. I paid for it with my credit card and my wife knows nothing about it.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hello everyone. Still waiting for your responses to my messages. I told you about the gypsy guys smoking outside Irene's caravan didn't I. And the funny story about Ronald's Action Man dolls. They were funny times even though they happened in the 70s but Northampton was a fun place then. I remember them every day. Hello John Shillitoe and your slippers!! Nobody but me remembers them days. Nobody. I don't know why I bother I really don't. Angela tells me to shit the f**k up about it because I'm hurting her grain but that was my life the dirty bitch. She never had the times I had even though Mum died of a stomach tumir. Cow.

    ReplyDelete
  13. This is a comment.

    On Michael Portillo's* train travel show a chap from Yorkshire (a Yorkie!) Was talking about an uncle of his, not mine who died in World War The First. I wept for his story but then he started the usual BBC smut and in your end oh. He said "When I was cleaning out my auntie's arsehole I found a family of refugees baking ginger snaps." That's a disgrace. His auntie could of been his dead uncle's wife or sister. And why was he cleaning out down there,? That Yorkie was a speedy cunt and should get arrested. If he gets prison the guards should kick him in and punish him but the refugees should get deported or killed like geese.
    * My friend James Garfield knew Portillo's boyfriend the male air stewardess from British Airways ages ago. We knew he was a ladyman.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hate the filth on the BBC. Why do we pay for all them famous poofters to go on trains all over the place winking at foreign men in stations and saying Hullo Bright Eyes Do You Want A Swifter? I am a Christian and I take it very seriously. The Lord Jesus did not travel to places in fancy trains that I can not afford just to meet men or other stinky people. Did you ever see The Son Of God doing judo in French or Spanish places? Did you? The answer is no. So why do I have to watch this fucking crap from the cunts at ITV or even worse Chanel Number 4?
      Stop it.

      Delete
    2. Like, what the f**k was that?

      Delete
  14. Angela says I should forget Northampton because nobody's interested. Get in touch everykne and shiw her she's wrong. A quick Hullo to Ann. Interesting about Pirtillo. Carry on. I thought there was something funny about him. He doesn't look British but of course we can't mention that these days. They won't be happy till England is covered in darkies queeries and islams.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Brian Davidson AKA Ross ThomsonOctober 31, 2018 at 2:33 PM

    Here I am sitting on the edge munching as I do it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Brian Davidson Brig O'DonNovember 1, 2018 at 12:06 AM

      You'd have been better munching that shoving Mersha and Madrega out the window. Jackie said there was an armadillo on the windowsill but what about her Festive candle display?

      Delete
  16. I'm glad to see we are starting to reply to each other. This is what Facebook is all about. It's about community and that's what I love. People chatting and having meals together. Laughing. Like it was when I was younger in the 70s. Nottingham was a lovely place. Everyone knew one another and we never locked our doors. A neighbor was a friend. Let's tell Angela we all miss that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes Arthur. I remember that lovely day in 2003 ( I think) when Nicholas Soaked visited Nottingham. I was a wonderful time. The flags were out and the council had set up a carnival atmosphere with carousels and coconut shoes. A true sense of community. I shared a joke and chat with many "Cobblers" that day.

      Delete
    2. Nicholas Soames. Oopsa dausy.

      Delete
    3. Thanks Henry. I think you mean coconut shies but gollybitbwad funny because you were chatting to all the Cobblers. Get it? Cobblers is another word for shoemakers which made Nottingham famous. The Soames visit was a great day.
      This is all great stuff as and I'm sure Angela will eat her words.

      Delete
    4. Is this the Twilight Zone?

      Delete
  17. OK everyone. I give in. Arthur was right and I was wrong about Nottingham in the 1970s. I agree. I remember hearing all about Nicholas Soames visit but I was in St Austell for the week because Tanya kidney stones were giving her gyp. I was so sad to have missed it all and the great man himself. The council did the Cobblers proud and Ok. Now, I hate to be contriversico but what do we all think about this Russ Abbott business? I have to say I'm a teensy bit surprised. What do you all think, Ann, Arthur Henry, Jan and everyone?

    ReplyDelete
  18. Jan McWee (British)November 6, 2018 at 6:20 PM

    Hi Angela and all. Superb news. Thrilled we're all on the same page. Must all meet for lunch soon.
    I'm astounded by the Russ Abbott news. Is that sort of thing really necessary? Going to see Tanya in St Austell next weekend. Would you like to join me Angela and Ann. Staying at that yummy B&B that was on the TV show. Let me know soonest. Nyerere!

    ReplyDelete
  19. I'd love to come along, Jan. Angela isn't sure if she can stay till Monday. Might have to come home Sunday. Rex again.Call me tmro at the Unit. Nyerere

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jan, I forgot about the Russ Abbott business. Unsettling.

      Delete
    2. Problem solved. Rex will be kettled at home next week. I can stay in St Austell till Monday. Russ Abbott? Can't believe it.

      Delete
  20. Oh. Very nice. Girls weekend away and we chaps don't get an invitation. Naughty! Have fun, ladies. Don't go crazy over the Cornish cream teas... Regards to Tanya.
    Nyerere, ye Cobblers!!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Jan McWee (British)November 8, 2018 at 12:00 AM

    Nyerere, Henry! Will pass on your wishes to Tanya. Will bring you back some clotted cream.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Make mine a double! Nyerere!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Jan McWee (British)November 8, 2018 at 9:20 PM

    Great news, everyone. Tanya is going to come back with us on Monday. NYERERE, YE COBBLERS!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You don't seem well to me.

      Delete
  24. Wonderful! Oh glory, glory, glory. Tanya, welcome. Hail well commen and well met, mine frolick!
    I shall let everyone know, but you MUST stay with us in the Hall. Room for all. Oh glory, glory, glory!!

    ReplyDelete
  25. Nyerere, ye Cobblers!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Get a grip you dopey old git.

      Delete
  26. We're on the road! St Austell, here comes the Cobbler Trio! Nyerere!!

    ReplyDelete
  27. Late breakfast. Full Cornish!! Meeting Tanya again at 12. She's in fine fettle and raring to hit those tearooms. St Austell watch out!

    ReplyDelete
  28. Who are all you people?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't think we really want to know.

      Delete
  29. We're Tanya's friends from Nottingham. Back in the gorgeous B&B now after a lovely dinner in town here. Italian - very swish. (And 1 or 2 glasses of the naughty vino! Or 2 or 3 !!) We shall need a week to recuperate. If you're in St Austell, pop in and say hello. We're having a jolly good blow-out at the Du Maurier Kitchen at 1.30 tomorrow afternoon.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Sling your hook the lot of you.

    ReplyDelete
  31. We would never wish to overstay our welcome and are known for our hospitality. We abjure foul language and curt expressions, sir.

    ReplyDelete
  32. And you sound like a fairy. Bye bye Tinkerbell.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Eat shit and swivel, you piece of puke. Jan invited you to the Du Maurier Kitchen tearooms in St Austell and you didn't reply you dirty shitwad. Show your face in Nottingham and you'll fucking regret it you cow turf.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't hold back. Say how you really feel. Go on. Go for it.

      Delete
  34. Jan McWee (British)November 16, 2018 at 7:58 AM

    I didn't send the last message. Ann sent it on my behalf and became indignant and very defensive if me. May I add that I echo her views, albeit in rather less Anglo-Saxon terms!

    ReplyDelete
  35. Jan McWee (British)November 16, 2018 at 8:01 AM

    I didn't send the last message. Ann sent it on my behalf. She became indignant and very defensive of me. May I add that I am in complete agreement with Ann's sentiments albeit in slightly less Anglo-Saxon terms.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Jan McWee (British)November 16, 2018 at 8:03 AM

    Oh bother. I didn't realise my message went through first time.

    Ann meant to write "cow turd" rather than "cow turf".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh well. That's okay then.

      Delete
  37. I agree. We all do. We find your attitude towards us pitiful. Our kindness has been rewarded with foul language of the basest kind. Tanya felt her visit to us all had been sullied and Jan, Angela and I felt about our sojourn in St Austell. Arthur and Henry are seething and Rex has barely stopped pounding his inhaler against the keyboard. You do not wish to see his views. Sadly for you, you have not destroyed Tanya's visit.

    Your vicious comments towards Henry have been noted but ignored. Henry's bubbly personality has equipped him to cope with such vulgar innuendo.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bubbly personality? Like Liberace? Or Danny La Thursday?

      Delete
  38. There's only room for one... eccentric person on this blog, and that's Niko. Say hello to James Kelly for me when you get back to SCOT goes POP.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Get a haircut you gummy old git. Or better still get out your bus pass and bugger off to bloody places like I don't know. Perth

      Delete
    2. Yes. Sod off you sack of pig puke and take your cheap bit of stuff with you. What she charge these days. £1.75 an hour? Disgusting pair of pervs. Sod off.

      Delete
  39. What on earth are you chuntering on about? I would like to know who exactly you and Bobbie Stretcher are and why you are on our private conversation web site.

    ReplyDelete
  40. I would like to know why you and your old muckers aren't in Strangeways.

    ReplyDelete
  41. How dare you you piece of subhuman shit. If you tried that shit in Nottingham there are still people who are interested in punishing cunts like you. Just give us the fucking chance, scumbag.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Social Services need to make contact with you.

      Delete
  42. I should like to be associated with Ann's comments. Vividly expressed.

    ReplyDelete
  43. Should you?
    And do you have a point, caller?

    ReplyDelete
  44. If my presence is causing the problem, I shall return to St Austell post haste. No names. No pack drill. I shall miss my friends and the golden moments we shared over the years in Nottingham and Cornwall, but needs must. I shall steal into the dawning morn and send my way to the station using a ticket my dear dear friend Arthur bestowed upon me gratis.
    Farewell my friends. Farewell dear Ann Edmondson with the irrepressible humour. Farewell cherished Arthur Hamill if the valued railway ticket. Farewell to you, wondrous Jan McWee of the British Bulldog spirit. Farewell my special Henry Jesmond of the bubbly personality and the busy face. Farewell to Angela Westfield of the kind words and kinder mien. Farewell. Farewell. Nyerere, the Cobblers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You crowd are fucking mental. Is this a chat page for a psycho unit?

      Delete
  45. I hope you are happy, Bobbie Stretcher. You have destroyed a life. A joyous life. A merry life. A life.

    ReplyDelete
  46. No Tanya. No. Henry invited us all to the hall. All of us. No Cobblers shall be cowed by the callousness of the vulgar slide. None.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Get back to me when your balls drop.

      Delete
  47. Everyone take a deep breath and remain calm. Tanya is remaining here and I expect to find a full complement at the lunch table. Nyerere, ye Cobblers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And what's with all the Nyerere stuff? Is it that African dictator? Who are you all ?

      Delete
  48. Sorry to disappoint our intrusive commentators but we enjoyed a splendid lunch at the Hall. Six dear friends around the table, sharing lunch and anecdotes. I weep for the emptiness of the lives of our detractors who can but look on in envy tinged with a heart-breaking tristesse.

    ReplyDelete
  49. We certainly did. The aprés lunch entertainment was capital. The young lady on the bassoon had us all in stitches! Thank you, Henry. Nyerere!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You need to eat less fruit.

      Delete
  50. Thank you again, Henry. Please let me bring dessert today. Pretty pleasey.

    ReplyDelete
  51. Canasta Day tomorrow at the Hall, Cobblers. Late breakfast then let's let it rip! Nyerere.

    ReplyDelete
  52. Are you shower of spazzers still here? Take a hike you dozy dribblers.

    ReplyDelete
  53. Hold me back before I make that Stretcher regret he ever started his calumny against us. His vulgarity disgusts me.

    ReplyDelete
  54. Ignore him, everyone. People like him don't really exist in any real sense. Lovely to see you are all doing well and divine to know that Tanya Goulding is in Nottingham albeit for a too short stay. May I expect to see you at All Saints for Divine Worship?

    ReplyDelete
  55. Agatha my dear it was lovely to see you at All Saints and partake afterwards of the cup that comforts but not inebriates, as "Uncle Joe" Stalin used to quip. Glorious to be in Nottingham but St Austell calls me back and I needs must hie me home on Wednesday.
    Everyone has been SO kind.
    You must join the Cobblers on there next visit to St Piran's parish (!) In January.
    But no B&B next time - everyone must stay with me at the Spinney.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Goodie 2 Shoes. Your the kinda sugar sweet that makes me puke my guts up.

      Delete
  56. I always enjoy hearing your own private name for Cornwall - St Piran's Parish. Naughty!
    Lunch tomorrow at the Hall. Everyone invited. Agatha - you must join us. 1pm.

    ReplyDelete
  57. We are exploiting you, Henry, and your renowned generosity. Lunch at the Hall will be champion, lad. But I insist of breakfast here at 27A before Tanya returns to SPP. The lady wife will be happy to oblige.

    ReplyDelete
  58. The lady wife's always been happy to oblige me. The gaudy little strumpet.

    ReplyDelete
  59. Fuck off you cunt from hell. You are Satan's fucking spawn. Bastard shitflake.

    ReplyDelete
  60. Jan McWee (British)November 26, 2018 at 9:37 PM

    Ignore him, Ann. He is but a tawdry poltroon.

    ReplyDelete
  61. He is, Jan, a trashy tawdry poltroon. Yes, Ann, he is a cunt from hell. But let's look on the bright side. We - Nyerere Ye Cobblers! - have had the time of our lives. Tanya has been in Nottingham for OVER 10 DAYS. We have all met Agatha again. Henry has opened the Hall.
    Our lives are as Heaven.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There's something very wrong with you people. I'd shit myself if I had to spend any time with you. Are you even real?

      Delete
  62. Breakfast here tomorrow. Shall we say 8.30? Then we can accompany Tanya to the station.

    ReplyDelete
  63. A lovely breakfast from Arthur's lady wife and a sad convoy to the station where Tanya caught the 12.07. She should be in Taunton around now. The rest of us are feeling empty. Tears were shed, but we have to pick ourselves up and get on with life. Nyerere, dear Tanya. Nyerere, dearest Cobbler.

    ReplyDelete
  64. You people need to get a grip. Or else psychiatric help.

    ReplyDelete
  65. Let's not lower ourselves to this scroundel's level.

    ReplyDelete
  66. Noble sentiments Angela.

    ReplyDelete
  67. Cobblers ahoy! I know you must be sick of the Hall after the hectic two weeks we have all enjoyed. Golly - I need a holiday! But let's all meet here on Sunday for lunch - after Worship so that Agatha can join us. Shall we say 1.30pm? Angela - might Rex be up to lunch and meeting multiple persons? - no pressure. We can call Tanya after lunch and make her envious! Naughty, I know.

    ReplyDelete
  68. I might call in with a couple of mates for a piss up and a good old chinwag. We'll have chicken and chips.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Can I come too and get rat arsed?

      Delete
  69. We would never dream of forcing our company upon you. You are not expected.

    ReplyDelete
  70. Yes - bugger off you bag of shit. See you at lunch after church everyone.

    ReplyDelete
  71. Jan McWee (British)December 2, 2018 at 9:29 PM

    Lovely lunch. A delight. Many thankiolas!

    ReplyDelete
  72. Thank you again, Henry. Lunch was a joy and Rex loved tapping out his message on the keyboard for Tanya.
    Shall we all meet on Wednesday at the Mayflower for lunch? Agatha - can you join us?

    ReplyDelete
  73. I adore the Mayflower but fear I have organised a lunch meeting on Wednesday of the Floral Committee. May I "call off" as they say?

    ReplyDelete
  74. We shall miss you Agatha, but there's a Murder Mystery Day at the Mayflower on Saturday. It could be fun. Ideas, anyone?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ideas on who to murder? That's a bit racy!

      Delete
  75. Jan McWee (British)December 3, 2018 at 9:13 PM

    Actually, the multiple screen cinema is showing an Andre Rieu concert from Murmansk on Saturday too. We are spoiled for choice. Suggestions?

    ReplyDelete
  76. Me and my bird used to do the business behind the Mayflower.

    ReplyDelete
  77. Here's a suggestion - go behind the Mayflower for a spot of the old nookie!

    ReplyDelete
  78. I have exerted all my influence to request of my friends that they not interact with you nor react to your vulgarity and filth. Sir.

    ReplyDelete
  79. I see Tinkerbell's back ready to punch the lights out of a marshmallow. On second thoughts I doubt if any of you spazzers have every had a bit of nookie. With another person I mean.

    ReplyDelete
  80. I promised Henry but I am going to kick you're fucki*g c*ut to shreds you shitwad bastard from hell. Show your face in Nottingham and I will take you out you bag of animal shit.

    Shall we meet for lunch at the Roundhead Tavern tomorrow?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm speechless. I've never seen anything this this before. Remind me never to go to Nottingham or the place in Cornwall. Weirdsville.

      Delete
  81. Jan McWee (British)December 6, 2018 at 12:20 AM

    Gosh. Love to. Super carvery at the Roundhead. I think Angela might be busy with Rex's kettling and the clients. I'll check, Ann. Loved the macramé card - you are a terror!

    ReplyDelete
  82. Ooooo. I'm worried. Old biddy with a mouth like a navvy threatens to do me in. Scary!

    ReplyDelete
  83. Ever seen Murder on the Orient Express? No-one thinks they're criminals. Not ever Sgt Cloosoh. I have friends in Nottingham, so take a warning vomit bag.

    ReplyDelete
  84. I know it's a cliché but sitting around the campfire singing inspirational songs can heal our broken world and lives. And mend our injured souls.

    Koom ba ya, Lord. Koom ba ya.
    Koom ba ya. My Lord. Koom ba ya.
    Koom ba ya. My Lordie. Koom ba ya.
    Oh Lord. Koom ba ya.

    Someone's crying, Lord. Koom ba ya.

    And so on. The most inspiring song I ever heard. It makes me cry with joy.

    My Lord .My Lord is looking at us and asking how we. WE - oh my God. WE - can help cure your creation.

    My mind is blown. Jesus - I love you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yep. I'd say your mind was blown years ago.

      Delete
  85. My neighbour's son is in the Royal Navy and abhors mockery and criticism. I should eager a penny agin a shilling that he would be more than willing to carry out a punishment beating on a contemptuous vagabond

    ReplyDelete
  86. Is that how you get your jollies? "Punish me, Able Seaman. I've been very naughty."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You seem to have a death wish, you bag of animal droppings.

      Delete
  87. Hello, all! I fear we need to leave out chatting site due to unwelcome Intruders talking vile filth.
    I have opened a Facebook website, which looks nothing like this one, much nicer and we are all included.
    Tanya, Ann, Henry, Jan, Agatha, Rex, Angela and I are the sole members.
    See you there.
    Nyerere, ye Cobblers!

    ReplyDelete
  88. Can I join your club? What do you call yourselves, a load of Cobblers?

    ReplyDelete
  89. Eat shit in hell. Bum boy.

    ReplyDelete
  90. Bum boy? You mean Henry? Ooh duckie let me varnish me handbag.

    ReplyDelete
  91. I think you're just what I need.

    ReplyDelete
  92. Me? Or toilet mouth Ann?

    ReplyDelete
  93. They seem to have gone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Remember Tiffany's hit, I think we're alone now, There doesn't seem to be anyone around.

      Delete
  94. Henry and Agatha have decided to
    Drat wrong fucking website. Bloody internet. Seafood bloody chocolate

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jan McWee (British)February 4, 2019 at 11:14 PM

      I almost did the same, Ann. I went to the wrong web site too. Pooey! I loved the charity quiz. Lively to see Rex out in public. See you back at The Other Place. Tee hee!!

      Delete
  95. The man sitting opposite me on the train right now is called Ferdinand Pysshe.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Stanley Hevenor (Crieff)January 19, 2019 at 3:40 PM

      There should be coaches on trains for people who want to travel without wearing any clothes.

      Delete
    2. Another crackpot.

      Delete
    3. How do you know that's his name?

      Delete
    4. I saw it on a badge he had on from an office team building day. He looked swarvy and cruel like a Spanish Mattydaw. Like he might seduce a girl and dis-card her after he took his pleasures. I know the type. I've been through the mill of love in Alicante.

      Delete
  96. Helen Liddell (Baroness Lidl) has never - I repeat, NEVER - travelled naked on a train. I am permitted to make that known but to deny any personal involvement in the formulation on her statement. Which she may or may not deny at any date in the near or distant future depending upon circumstances. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She pushed me into a door at the Olympic Games in 2012.

      Delete
  97. How about instead of numbers we use the names of cilebritiex? So instead of 1 we say Spencer, 2 is Vogue, 3 is Emma and so on up to the biggest number which is 100 (Meghan).
    This would save people having to remember difficult numbers and we could mention our favourite cilebritiex.
    I would say "Ginger Spice Marlboro Lights" and everyone would know I means the old number 20.
    It would help us win the lottery too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Have you been hanging around Nottingham? What the hell are you droning on about? What is a cilebritiex?

      Delete
    2. Don't make fun of me just because I'm dislexic. It's an illness just like any other one like indigestion or hooping cough. Are you perfect if what? And YES. I am Number 7.

      Delete
    3. We know. We call you Gemma Seven Bellies.

      Delete
  98. Anyone remember a song from the 70s he ab a Punch and Judy show? It had a catchy line like "Uh-uh o-ho a-ha oh no". Or something like that. I loved it and would spend up to £350 to get a copy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Go and shove your head in a mobster's maw you Spanish dope.

      Delete
    2. Honest Wilf Tapper 'British Bulldog'February 1, 2019 at 12:14 AM

      I've got a copy. Send me £350 and I'll forward you the record, squire. Send me a message and I'll give you my address to send the money. All above board and clean as a vicar's whistle.

      Delete
  99. Is the record still in its original sleeve? I don't want to pay the full amount if it's in the wrong sleeve. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  100. Honest Wilf Tapper 'British Bulldog'February 3, 2019 at 11:43 AM

    Listen, bud. You'll be playing the record not the sleeve .we've made a deal. £350 and s bargain at twice the price

    ReplyDelete
  101. Honest Wilf Tapper 'British Bulldog'February 4, 2019 at 8:57 PM

    Are you welshing on the deal, Taffy? Shove your leaks were the sun don't shine.

    ReplyDelete
  102. Honest Wilf Tapper'British Bulldog'February 5, 2019 at 4:00 AM

    I've scratched the record with a screen.ncant play it now squire. You're loss. £360 is chicking feed to me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bastard. That song was my life.

      Delete
  103. My best holiday ever was in Newquay where I went surfing. I had duck cooked in oranges or something in a place with waitresses and travelled on a bus to a village nearby.

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  104. What a beautiful recollection. I almost feel I was on holiday there with you and wish I had been. Our childhood holidays were visits to Grandma in Market Rasen. A welcome change from the squalor and fighting at home but so tiring on our knees for 8 hours a day. It ended when a neighbour reported what was going on and we were allowed to go and live with Uncle Martin and Aunt Kitty. Every time I catch a smell of boiled whiting I think of Kitty's favourite dish. I could never understand why we had to call her Jumblepot.

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  105. More lovely holiday memories for my collection. I shall write each one on a separate page and do a little drawing to illustrate the stories. I might write a little piem it make up some music. I live harmonica music although Larry Adler insisted on calling it a mouth organ. Larry was no snob and he left us the fabulous music from Genivive. Astounding. I am tempted to draw a little fish to go with Doreen's story and maybe a ducknir a bus for Virtues. It's going to be a book to remember and maybe we could give some of the money to a charity. I think charity begins at house so kind of that sending money they don't know what to spend it on to places like Africa or Kenta. I have one word that will drive all you holiday people made. Disneyland!

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  106. We had a super holiday skiing in Austria 3byears ago we hired a chalet and dined out each evening. Tip top après ski entertainment. I bought a set of Riedel glasses (for Viognier) and they weren't cheap, but I felt I needed the treat.

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  107. I wish everyone in the world could all go on holiday together, hold hands and sing together with one voice.

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  108. Geoffrey of MonmouthFebruary 15, 2019 at 9:03 AM

    Whenever we go on holiday I enter into the spirit of the event by wearing Bermuda shorts and a sun bonnet. The locals appreciate the effort and often comment as I walk past.

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  109. Do you have knobbly knees, Geoffrey? Please don't think me rude!

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    1. Geoffrey of MonmouthFebruary 15, 2019 at 10:18 PM

      No. But I have a needy knob.

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  110. When I go on holiday I spend all my time drunk. I get abusive and violent and like picking fights with strangers. I enjoy frightening children and outraging their parents. I particularly enjoy propositioning women and pretending I think they are prostitues.

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    1. Rev. Cornelius PritchardFebruary 16, 2019 at 9:35 AM

      I enjoy doing the same. I thoroughly enjoy getting rat-arsed and swearing at passers-by. I had been planning on spending the 1st week in July in Dawlish. If you are free at that time we could having a first-class holiday and cause mayhem around the town. I find public transport can be a godsend for berating people in the foulest language imaginable. Effing and blinding in bus stations and hospitals can be a source of many golden memories.

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    2. What a wonderful idea! Every time I go on holiday I mince around like a high-camp John Inman type, giggling and cavorting down the boulevard. The prospect of unleashing my fol-de-rols on Dawlish is very tempting. Ooh, vicar, do pass me the teapot! Pardon.

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    3. Hortense Digby-JonesFebruary 17, 2019 at 1:05 PM

      Marvellous! Has anyone thought of a cruise ship as the perfect spot for vile anti-social and disturbing behaviour? One could have a whale of a time prancing and mincing around whilst cursing and swearing at shipmates. Worth considering?

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    4. Fab idea. Love to.

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    5. You disgust me.

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  111. I was on holiday in Chichester and we went into a church and signed the visitor's book but I signed my name as Bobby Davro and Lorraine signed it as Carol Vorderman. Then I wrote "This dump is a shithole." As the comment made by a couple from South Africa.

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    1. Teddy Andrews and KathFebruary 16, 2019 at 12:07 PM

      We do the same at historical attractions. We like to think we are brightening up other people's holidays. Imagine some Americans are visiting Blenheim Palace and they see the names of Prince Andrew and Ginger Spice just above theirs. When they get home they can tell their friends "You'll never believe who we just missed at Blenheim Palace!"

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    2. I was in a cathedral in Brussels and wrote "Sheila Shitface" as my name in the visitor book.

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    3. In a Methodist church in Preston I signed my friend in as Dame Edna Anderson, The Vicarage, All Choirboys and St Bartholomew's, Chipping Sodbury. Under the comments I wrote "Up for a knobbing anytime".

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    4. We booked into a B&B in Aberystwyth as Ricardo and Ernestine Vulp.

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    5. Ricardo & Ernestine VulpFebruary 21, 2019 at 5:57 PM

      That's spooky. Our pet gerbil is called Swish and our cat is Trish and we got her in Aberystwyth. Scary!

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    6. Rev. Cornelius PritchardFebruary 22, 2019 at 12:45 AM

      I regularly sign false names in my own church's visitor book. Sometimes I write in comments which on later perusal I find appalling.

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    7. Ricardo & Ernestine VulpFebruary 22, 2019 at 4:46 PM

      Forgot to say we're Ricardo and Ernestine Vulp. What a coincidence.

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  112. Rev. Cornelius PritchardFebruary 17, 2019 at 1:26 PM

    It can be fun at historical attractions to start arguing with the tour guide and "correcting" them. One of my warmest memories was making a tour guide weep at the Jorvik centre in York and getting her to admit that Ross Kemp has spent a night there which a certain princess nit his wife. I cackled and shreiked with laughter as she agreed with my story. I jumped up and down shouting "maniac muffins" and ran out. Other guests were horrified.

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  113. Myself and a friend in another area choose a name at random from our phone books then send a letter to each as if from the other announcing our arrivals at the other's house for a week's holiday and looking forward to catching up. We laugh so much at the total perplexity they must feel. We also hope they wrote it phone each other to find out what on earth is going on. It would be wonderful to see their reactions too.

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    1. My friend phoned up the undertaker to come and measure up his neighbour for a coffin. There was some problem with a hedge.

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    2. When I was in school my mate and I did the same to our Latin teacher but we got found out and the Feds called at our houses. We had billy-oh to pay.

      Even nowadays when my lady wife, Alice and I are making love, I suggest the act by saying "Would you like to say hello to Tommy Whoosh". We both find it arousing.

      My Latin teacher was Mr Thomas Wursch, an Austrian gent whom we called Tommy Whoosh. I think if him a lot.

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    3. My wife and I note down every time our neighbours leave their house and come back.

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  114. Has anyone seen Mrs Havendon's cat?

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  115. A quick shout out to Jayden and Kat.

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  116. We think lots of people. We haven't but we don't know Mrs H either.

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  117. Mum told us when she was a girl her aunt Pittie always said dip into. She'd said I'll dip into the ship and buy some tea. Or I'll dip into church and ask the vicar for some old newspapers. I'm going to start dipping. Tomorrow I might dip into the pub and have a swift half.

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    1. I might dip into the drawing room and eat some pineapple chunks.

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  118. Some of the grown-ups in our estate are having a street party at the end of this month at the weekend. I want pineapple chunks and pickled onions on sticks with little bits of cheese. They would like Charles and Camilla to come but they might be doing something else. They don't know.

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    1. You should tell them 2 go 4 the Yung royals like The one going bald and his wife of the Hewitt one and his bit of stuff. They attract the TV cameras and Ty he foreign tourists .you make more money off them.

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    2. That's a good idea Enna. I'll tell Mike Burkitt to book young royals. Do they charge a lot? Do they get food and drink too? What about raffle tickets.
      Ben's just asked if we have to give them goodie bags. He got 200 B&H in Duty free so they could get one each and a bottle of cobra. They could get soaps and showers caps from hotels and stuff from Argos.

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