In a similar coin my nephew was visiting with his array of rather off-colour jokes. I offer your readers two. "I used to think Wookie Hole was a venereal disease until I discovered Smirnoff." And "I used to think Muffin' the Mule was against the law until I discovered Smirnoff." Quite a sense of humour for a senior civil servant.
Very interesting. The swan will also be quite useful for the little towns and the scenery 😀. I think the weather will look great for our next 😀 👍 trip...
Mrs Turnidge used to buy a packet of butter shorties to have in the house in case somebody like a town Councillor or Anita Harris might pop in for a cuppa unannounced. Her son Alan was home on release one time and finished off the whole packet in one go. He had no idea that Mrs Harte was supposed to be popping in with a basket of home bakes. Mrs Turnidge was mortified and said Oh Al! Did you have to eat all my butter shorties? He said Live with the humiliation. I do. Every day of this living hell I call the shreds of my life. Mrs Turnidge laughs about it now but at the time she couldn't imagine what Mrs Harte thought or what she might have said to the other members of the Moniaive Ladies Circle. Now she could give a flying f#ck. Alan trained in divinity and is spreading the word of the Lord to the savages in various places with restricted retail outlets and other shopping opportunities.
If someone bought me a drone I would hover it outside people's windows so I could peer into there houses. I would also knock it against there windows to scare them at night. If I could fit a loudspeaker on it I would make it say "I'm watching you" and "Everyone knows". If I didn't have a drone I could shout scary things through there letter boxes and listen to what there saying at there windows. If I could get on there roof I could shout things down there chimney.
When the queen dies could we get Lady Fergie to take the job. She was a great friend of Diana and looks like she would be a lot more fun than the queen. I don't agree that she looks like a raddled old lush. I think foreigners would pour in to London to see her and bring in even more money.
That Fergie one could get a lot of her young friends to visit and say hello to her husband who don't sweat. They get 12 million dollars a head just for never meeting him.
My friends at the Junior Chamber of Commerce has chosen me to represent them at the Cup of Friendship Awards Ceremony in Sheringham next year and tickets are available for the dinner and since. Guest speaker will be Jane Horrocks.
I'm sorry to see you spreading that story again. Peter Bottomley warned you not to spread it but you said you lost his phone number. But he's got a mobile AND a land line. He hasn't even asked Jane Horrocks yet because Virginia and she don't get on since that business with the roof tiles.
Does anyone know any songs about Walnuts and Ice? We would like to send a request in to the radio for Michael Gove MP's birthday 🎂. Thank you. Or any films about walnuts and ice so we can request the theme tune.
Actually. Alma's late 1959 hit was Ice My Walnuts, You Sleazy French Git. It stayed at numero uno in the Hit Parade for 16 weeks and was the first number one hit of the momentous decade now known as the 60s.
Anyone remember Anita Harris's massive 1965 HIT, Boil My Putrid Cabbage, You Rancid Mexican Pile Of Shit? Lovely bass line I always thought. I used to listen to a pirated version on my headphones as I yomped from Port Staneley to Goose Green. In the Falklands. OK, yeh, so I'm a hero but don't go on about it. I get imbrassed. My service was its own reward. Thank you for allowing me to serve Maam. R. I. P. The Argies never knowledge wot hit em.
Not a patch on Shirley Bassey's 1968 blockbuster, Braise My F*cking Brisket, You Dirty Macedonian C*nt. Six weeks at Number 1 in England, Sweden and Malta. Beat that Taylor Effing Swift.
My dog is called The Jaker. A woman asked me why I called him that and I told her to mind her own effing business. That was the last time she shoved her nose in where it wasn't wanted.
I was on a train from Rimini to Salerno in Italy merging fruit and I looked out of the window and saw a man walking along a path to a house. He was living a life and I wanted to hail him with the greeting " Vade medium, mine friend".
People say I'm mad but I'm just myself and I can't help it if people think I do crazy goings. In school Miss Martindale asked me What's the capital of Spain and I said S. At break people xame up to me and said I was hilarious and mad but I was just being me. People still talk about it at my unit.
If Meghan Marple visited the care home I was a resident in I would ask her to smuggle records by Juice Newton into the place so I could play them full blast at 3 am. Meghan and me are old buddies from when we both worked as stewardesses at the Olympia Casino in Winchester. We used to help ourselves to crisps.
Who is this prince Harry guy? Is he even English? Is he prince Charles's brother? Or grandson? Are they even related? And Where's that queen of theres? Selling cheap ggefkibds again? In Alderney? For Fu**%x Sak**
Is he not Ginger Hewitt? I just always thought he was. Is he the queen's son or Prince Charles's? I don't know. And there's that wellness wife who pretends she's an African. Don't know ow which if them is the weirdest. Then there's that camilla wufie. Is she jilly Cooper at the weekends.
Oh... just time for a dram then...
ReplyDeleteGreeting from Baton Rouge, Louisiana. The crickets are a-hoppin' and my panties are a-poppin'
DeleteIn a similar coin my nephew was visiting with his array of rather off-colour jokes. I offer your readers two.
Delete"I used to think Wookie Hole was a venereal disease until I discovered Smirnoff."
And
"I used to think Muffin' the Mule was against the law until I discovered Smirnoff."
Quite a sense of humour for a senior civil servant.
That's nothing. I use to think Moby Dick was a result of too much pokey pokey until I discovered Herman Melville.
DeletePeshawar! I used to think breaking the sound barrier was a chargeable offence until I discovered Kwamikwazi Kwarteng.
DeleteVery interesting. The swan will also be quite useful for the little towns and the scenery 😀. I think the weather will look great for our next 😀 👍 trip...
DeleteI am a drug addict and live in a miasma of fantasy.
DeleteWhy are so many messages on here in Italian?
DeleteTick tick tick tock. All the way Home.
ReplyDeleteI said you're face looks like a clock but you don't wring my bell sister. Ding dong
DeleteI hate people who call films 'movies'. Pathetic pile of human skysh.
DeleteMrs Turnidge used to buy a packet of butter shorties to have in the house in case somebody like a town Councillor or Anita Harris might pop in for a cuppa unannounced. Her son Alan was home on release one time and finished off the whole packet in one go. He had no idea that Mrs Harte was supposed to be popping in with a basket of home bakes. Mrs Turnidge was mortified and said Oh Al! Did you have to eat all my butter shorties? He said Live with the humiliation. I do. Every day of this living hell I call the shreds of my life. Mrs Turnidge laughs about it now but at the time she couldn't imagine what Mrs Harte thought or what she might have said to the other members of the Moniaive Ladies Circle. Now she could give a flying f#ck. Alan trained in divinity and is spreading the word of the Lord to the savages in various places with restricted retail outlets and other shopping opportunities.
DeleteWe're you in Cyprus when you wrote that Kitty? I'd say you were. (Rtn)
DeleteIf someone bought me a drone I would hover it outside people's windows so I could peer into there houses. I would also knock it against there windows to scare them at night. If I could fit a loudspeaker on it I would make it say "I'm watching you" and "Everyone knows". If I didn't have a drone I could shout scary things through there letter boxes and listen to what there saying at there windows. If I could get on there roof I could shout things down there chimney.
DeleteWhen the queen dies could we get Lady Fergie to take the job. She was a great friend of Diana and looks like she would be a lot more fun than the queen. I don't agree that she looks like a raddled old lush. I think foreigners would pour in to London to see her and bring in even more money.
ReplyDeleteThat Fergie one could get a lot of her young friends to visit and say hello to her husband who don't sweat. They get 12 million dollars a head just for never meeting him.
DeleteThey could make a fortune. Even more WITH photos.
DeleteAny time Daisy is annoyed she just stands still and yells, Slattery Voga with the dipstock, Nora!
DeleteI'm a misery magnet.
DeleteI know how Brussels got its name and its got nothing to do with Taylor Swift.
DeleteI dream of owning a car coat like Harry Secombe's one day.
DeleteMy friends at the Junior Chamber of Commerce has chosen me to represent them at the Cup of Friendship Awards Ceremony in Sheringham next year and tickets are available for the dinner and since. Guest speaker will be Jane Horrocks.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to see you spreading that story again. Peter Bottomley warned you not to spread it but you said you lost his phone number. But he's got a mobile AND a land line. He hasn't even asked Jane Horrocks yet because Virginia and she don't get on since that business with the roof tiles.
DeleteThe sexiest name in the world is Juicy Pang.
DeleteAunt Val has offered to store my chicken nuggets in her freezer.
DeleteIs that code for something creepy?
DeleteAunt Val said I should buy a mechanised horse 🐎. I might.
DeleteMy life is like a cumin seed in so many ways.
ReplyDeleteLapaunda Jackson say Swivle on it bitch
DeleteLapaunda Jackson is not my sister. She no lady.
DeleteDoes anyone know any songs about Walnuts and Ice? We would like to send a request in to the radio for Michael Gove MP's birthday 🎂. Thank you. Or any films about walnuts and ice so we can request the theme tune.
DeleteAlma Cogan had a big hit with Ice My Walnuts Monsieur round about 1960.
DeleteAlma Cogan never witnessed a drive-by shooting nor an episode of road rage. And we should know. (RHR)
DeleteAlma Cogan experienced next to nothing. As far as I am aware she never even tried to merge fruit. Pitiful.
DeleteActually. Alma's late 1959 hit was Ice My Walnuts, You Sleazy French Git. It stayed at numero uno in the Hit Parade for 16 weeks and was the first number one hit of the momentous decade now known as the 60s.
DeleteAnyone remember Anita Harris's massive 1965 HIT, Boil My Putrid Cabbage, You Rancid Mexican Pile Of Shit? Lovely bass line I always thought. I used to listen to a pirated version on my headphones as I yomped from Port Staneley to Goose Green. In the Falklands. OK, yeh, so I'm a hero but don't go on about it. I get imbrassed. My service was its own reward. Thank you for allowing me to serve Maam. R. I. P. The Argies never knowledge wot hit em.
DeleteNot a patch on Shirley Bassey's 1968 blockbuster, Braise My F*cking Brisket, You Dirty Macedonian C*nt. Six weeks at Number 1 in England, Sweden and Malta. Beat that Taylor Effing Swift.
DeleteOn next visit to Gibraltar I shall eat copious amounts of piano crisps. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteThe last time I charged my phone I was in Malta.
DeleteEveryone seems to be visiting the colonies. They must be excited about the Coronation.
DeleteMy dog is called The Jaker. A woman asked me why I called him that and I told her to mind her own effing business. That was the last time she shoved her nose in where it wasn't wanted.
DeleteJournalist Carll Malobe is also known as The Jajer.
DeleteI was on a train from Rimini to Salerno in Italy merging fruit and I looked out of the window and saw a man walking along a path to a house. He was living a life and I wanted to hail him with the greeting " Vade medium, mine friend".
DeletePeople say I'm mad but I'm just myself and I can't help it if people think I do crazy goings. In school Miss Martindale asked me What's the capital of Spain and I said S. At break people xame up to me and said I was hilarious and mad but I was just being me. People still talk about it at my unit.
DeleteIf Meghan Marple visited the care home I was a resident in I would ask her to smuggle records by Juice Newton into the place so I could play them full blast at 3 am. Meghan and me are old buddies from when we both worked as stewardesses at the Olympia Casino in Winchester. We used to help ourselves to crisps.
DeleteWho is this prince Harry guy? Is he even English? Is he prince Charles's brother? Or grandson? Are they even related? And Where's that queen of theres? Selling cheap ggefkibds again? In Alderney? For Fu**%x Sak**
ReplyDeleteIs he not Ginger Hewitt? I just always thought he was. Is he the queen's son or Prince Charles's? I don't know. And there's that wellness wife who pretends she's an African. Don't know ow which if them is the weirdest. Then there's that camilla wufie. Is she jilly Cooper at the weekends.
DeleteToday. Today. Today.
Delete